What was. What is. What will be.
2018, my 52nd year. Sort of a relief in a way not to be 50. That felt so pivotal…like I had to push for some sort of monumental plan or realization. 2018 has made me increasingly aware of a mid-life imperative to follow through and harness a few of my life-goals. I decided to trust the universe in all of its chaotic uncertainty. Dance the dance that fear does in the face of transforming the illusory nature of dreams into a tangible reality. The first step in this choreography is removing obstacles that have always held me back. This requires confidence, vision and discipline.
To discern what isn’t serving me has required finding some objectivity. It’s like when I stand at my easel for hours absorbed in the minutia of a painting…abstract passages that hook me and seem so precious or problematic…and then I move away and see the picture from a distance. You see the sections that you felt were so flawed as part of a tapestry of colors and shapes that actually function as a system quite organically. There is nothing inherently wrong with the pieces. I am learning how to take action by orchestrating the big view with gentleness instead of hiding in the dark spaces. It is about building the conviction that I am worthy to manifest with my full brilliance in this lifetime.
Some of the things I’ve dared to do in 2018:
Let my 14 year old travel to India without me.
Led 2 painting excursions in Tuscany.
Drove a car in Italy solo.
Learned how to draw on an iPad.
Created and recorded 6 new on-line courses.
Completed 2 large-scale commissioned paintings for Brown University.
Got gallery representation.
Led a quarterly motivational critique group for 10 women artists in my studio.
Got certified as a Meditation Instructor.
Enrolled in a 200 hr Yoga Teacher Training program for 2019.
Enrolled in a year-long Buddhist Studies course for 2019.
To maintain my direction and stamina I am increasingly aware that I have to choose where to spend my energy. To choose is to look at the places that enrich me and the places that deplete me. For me, I’ve known these realities all along but old habits die hard. I do believe that you can rewire your brain and navigate a bigger horizon but it takes commitment and practice to erode the deep grooves we make with our channels of action. For me, much of this is about dealing with the fear of letting go of how I’ve habitually defined/presented myself. I couldn’t have dared to do what I did in 2018 without busting through old mental barricades.
I’ve focused on strengthening the practices that help me to manifest with as much clarity, compassion and sparkle as I can. These are the things that help me visualize panoramically and build my confidence to embrace dreams that I’ve been putting off out of fear or assumption that I’ll get to it one day. I’ve had to let go of the road old maps that I’ve held on to for nostalgia-sake…like that pair of Levis with the 26” waist hanging in the back of the closet…someday.
At 52, I am trying to discern how I want to spend the finite time I have left on the planet…what is my most authentic path and how can I assist others in finding theirs? How does sourcing our human truth allow us to manifest with sanity and be an instrument of positive change in a world that is in desperate need? Maybe the New Year is an opportunity to regroup and assess our trajectory.
In 2019…here’s what I’ll be working with.
Be present. Slow down. Resist distraction. Listen. Be kind. See. Dream. Breathe deep. Be gentle. Contemplate death. Don’t take anyone for granted. Love. Sit. Embrace fear. Find ways to joy. Feel my heart. Let my hair down. Seek discomfort. Dance in the wind. Strengthen my body. Cherish every freaking moment like it’s my last. Laugh until I cry. Just be.
Thank you so much for reading my BLOG. I will be posting once a month in 2019 and also when the feeling moves me. Please subscribe below if you want to receive the BLOGS to your inbox. XO Amy